Forgiveness. It’s beautiful concept, but rarely are we told to forgive ourselves. We pick ourselves apart for ignorant mistakes and problems we had either ages of weeks ago. We roll over in bed and smother our faces in pillows in vexation. We never seem to let these go, including myself.
I’m trying to forgive myself for the lapses in my character and judgement. We all make mistakes, whether minute or enormous. How do we move on from these ghosts that haunt us? What makes the guilt go away? Sometimes, you have to accept responsibility for what you’ve done and hold yourself accountable. Sometimes, it’s telling the truth. Sometimes, it’s letting things (and people) go.
It’s quite easy for me to accept responsibility, but it does take me a week of mulling and musing and feeling uneasy before I know how to process this. Telling the truth is more painful, but extremely relieving. Letting things and people go? That’s hard. It’s especially hard when you’re the reason they’re gone in the first place. It’s not even that you want them, it’s that you feel guiltly for hurting them. We seek clousure, but find it difficult to find it. We’re natural fixers, people who desire to seam together the tattered edges. Sometimes, the fabric is too frayed to be stitched back together, and you’ll just prick your finger with the needle each time you keep trying.
The attempt to fix something so far gone is painful for both parties. It’s the long-term pain, the palms on the glass but untouching feeling where no matter how you try, it doesn’t work. It’s that moment when you know the sorrow in their eyes is your fault.
How do you forgive yourself for that? Even if they forgive you, within yourself, you’ll always feel guilty for your part of the blame. We are our hardest critics, and we have to forgive ourselves. To do that, we must let go of what cannot be salvaged.
We must let the people we’ve damaged go free from our influence, live and learn and breathe. We must do the hard thing even if it’s difficult. We must do the right thing even if it hurts both of you. Chasing after a relationship or dream that is far too in the distance to catch up to is hear-wrenching, and it prolongs the amount of time it takes for us to begin on the path to forgiving ourselves.
I have yet to forgive myself for my biggest lapses in characters. I cringe at thinking about who I was and wondered what on earth made me think that how I acted was okay? Nevetheless, I cannot reverse the past, but I can move onto the future having learned. Still, I feel guilty that I had to hurt someone in order to learn not to hurt someone.
At the end of the day, something breaks us or our hearts, whether it’s someone else or ourselves. My biggest enemy is myself. The pestering doubts and jokes in my head remind me of all the mistakes I’ve made.
I’ve learned not to be afraid of mistakes. The more I’m afraid, the more power it has over me. Instead, I focus more on thinking logically and intuitively with everything that I do, and when I do make mistakes I take accountability. Most of the time it works, but sometimes we make those soul-eating mistakes that we can’t fix.
So we have to let them go.
Forgiving yourself, whether it’s about a relationship or a failed project or a disappointment, is a process. You need to take accountability, ask for forgiveness (and not expect it to be accepted), stop playing the victim, and learn from it. From these steps, you have to realize that mistakes are part of growing pains, and without them, we’d never grow and change. You need to stop fearing mistakes, because at the end of the day, it’ll demobilaze you. You’ll get feedback, criticism, friends, enemys, and mockers, but at the end of the day, you’ll be able to mature and move past your mistakes. We need to stop demoralizing and devaluing ourselves because we make mistakes. We make mistakes, we learn from them, and we deal with the consequences.
Let’s stop taking life so seriously. Let’s also stop taking it so casually. Balance is key, and often, we don’t live in balance. The more aware of the world and your surroundings you are, you’ll be able to pursue happiness.
I’m chipping through my biggest stone, but I can see the end of the tunnel ahead. It’s not easy, but it’s important.