CURRENTLY: I am writing a scholarship essay for a program that I really love, but it’s due quite soon. Like in two days soon. So I need a brain break to distract me from the impending doom.
The gap between what I want and what I have. If that sounds deep to you, I’m sorry to disappoint. In truth, this will just be a random assemblege of thoughts, a stream of consciousness, if you will. I have always lived in this gap between what I want and what I have. I have plenty: a good organization, a purpose, friends, a unified family, a knack for writing, and now, a college acceptance to my dream program. But I still live in this gap, and I think I always will.
I’ll always keep reaching for more, even if I don’t know if I actually want what I’m reaching for. Because if there’s nothing else to strive for, what was there ever, ya know? If there is an endpoint, then that means all life has an endpoint, a full stop, a period. That means religion is wrong because eternal happiness doesn’t exist and math is wrong because infinity doesn’t exist.
I think that’s what causes emptiness. When you stop striving for something, whether it’s impact, love, happiness, rest, there’s nothing left but gaping quiet. There is no gap for where you exist. So you become a ghost because at least you’ll be able to nestle in the bedrock that now connects what you want and what you have.
Or maybe, I’m just overthinking everything. It’s worth a ponder though, isn’t it? I want this scholarship, but I’m scared to move towards that edge of the cliff. If I never tried, sure, I wouldn’t know my potential, but I also wouldn’t get any affirmation saying “yup, you’re just not good enough.” We don’t like that feeling as humans. We don’t like it at all.
So it’s a weird dicotomy. We want to merge what we want and what we have, but we’re also scared to move. We’re comfortable but unsatisfied. And when we become uncomfortable, we never become satisfied. Because if you do get that scholarship, then there’s another “what you want” and thus, another gap. That goes back to the concept of the final end, the final craving. We keep inching towards it, but one day, we realize we’ll never get there. Because it doesn’t exist.
We exist in the gap between what we want and what we have. We all do, it’s part of our collective unconcious. It’s why culture carries some similar threads. It’s why most religions have an afterlife, a continuation.
Because even when we want it to end, we don’t. We just don’t know what’s on the other side. We don’t know what exists on the final platform of what we want. To me, that’s what makes living beautiful. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
NEVERTHELESS: I’m going to finish that scholarship essay. Most of the time, we want to know. That’s just human.